People I'd like to Thank...

It's New Years...Again.

You might want to brush up on your New Year's greeting 101. This is very important for all of us to practice safe greeting manners.

And on to the person I would like to thank. I was in a store recently-ok I'll give it a more dramatic feel.

It was a cool crisp December day, 10:30 in the morning. The date was the 29th. This is only relevant based on the target of my gratitude. I paced back-and-forth in front of the drink cooler containing juices, 42,000 versions of coke, energy drinks promising potent power and the random door attachment housing a candy bar that you've always enjoyed but the slogan boasts a new experience when the chocolate yummy thing is cold. Genius; but you can't really believe we the consumers would be fooled by that one...I grabbed a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup-it really is good cold.

But as I approached the register, feeling manipulated but anticipating my cold chocolate, I noticed a pink and red hue overtaking the store. Yes Valentine's Day goodies and decor for all to see-and purchase...Which is the reason for it anyway. As my cold chocolate warmed in my hand I thought to myself, "This is ridiculous. Who decides the start date for stocking the next holiday's items?" And I knew this was a person I'd "like to thank".

Seriously, December 29th!?? I still have sugar plums dancing in my head. Not to mention the fireworks in my truck stashed away for attempts to feel young again by igniting who-knows-what made who-knows-where. Is it really necessary to erase all visible signs of the wonderful holiday that was so hyped by the stores for the past 8 months? Do they not realize we need transitional time? DECEMBER 29th...COME ON PEOPLE!

I don't know what we can do about this, but I for one feel hurt, almost deceived. I mean what next? In the middle of singing a Christmas song the 2nd verse hints at valentines. "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. Just like the ones I used to know. Where the candy hearts glisten and children listen. To hear if any valentine cards dropped into their paper bag on their school desk hoping to get more than the token teacher card." Wow I went crazy there at the end. But come on. Will the Easter bunny hide 4th of July fireworks in the eggs? Are kids going to be encouraged to dress up during Halloween as their favorite Thanksgiving food?

Furthermore-I don't have a further more I just thought I would include that word.

Thank you Date-prior-to-holiday-fill-the-shelves-decider-guy.

I would love to wish you and yours a very merry New-Year-Easter-Break-Arbor-4th-Memorial-Labor-ween!

I got a sucker!

When I went to the bank the other day I got to use the vacuum-sucky-pod-mover-thingy. That thing is awesome. But the real point is that after I deposited my cash into my savings account-which supposedly yields interest but charges me crazy fees for withdrawals, re-orders, spell-check and processing fees-I received a sucker with my deposit slip. That's right it came down the clear tube, into it's docking station next to my window, and BAM right into my hands.

A couple things crossed my mind. Besides the normal array of questions like: "How do they clean that thing when stuff gets caught in it?" or "Can I figure out a way to sneak up there and connect a tube to my house and take everyone's money?" or "Do you think a footlong from Subway could fit in that?" I reveled in my sugar free gift from the bullet proof window teller person who only has a first name like Tony, Karen, Roger or Alejandro.

I wondered where else could you incorporate this generous gift giving technique and it change your experience?

How about at the car dealership. "Good afternoon welcome to ___________ Ford/GMC/Hummer/Hyundia/Nissan/BMW/Toyota/Honda Dealership, would you like a sucker?" Nice huh?

Or on the hold with your cell phone company when you call asking about the Government fee or usage fee(are they serious) or the adjustment fee for adjusting something that they don't want to admit to so they call it adjusment fee or even worse the "other" fee which, come on, makes no sense. "Thank you for calling __________ Wireless where we work for you and want to keep you connected. Your wait time to speak to a friendly overseas operator is 93 minutes"...then bam a sucker comes through your phone. Love it!

Or how about the mall kiosk people. "Excuse me sir can I ask you a question? (the famous line so as not to get a "no I'm not interested" response-in which I love to respond to their question with "you just did") Thanks anyway, here's a sucker" Seriously if those not-legitimate-enough-for-a-store peddlers of sea salts, personalized pot holders, hermit crabs and 3D moving water wall art, would just sit back and not verbally tackle me as I go by, I might hear them out and actually buy a belt buckle with Sponge Bob on it.

So I think suckers are great. Really. You should start giving them away at your place of business. Just imagine the difference it could make.

People I'd like to thank...

This is an ongoing thematic rant I will have title "People I'd like to thank". It will consist of me giving my unadulterated, whole-hearted, bottom-of-my-heart gratitude to specific peeps I feel like smashing with thanks.

First I'd like to thank the guy who programmed the timing of bathroom hand-dryers. You know the kind that sit on the wall next to the sink in a public restroom? Don't misread me, I appreciate the hand dryrer because I think public restrooms are a feeding ground for germs and disgusting things.

But let's focus on the jerk at hand. The dude who set the timing of each drying cycle. You are genius with a capital G and capital ENIUS. After washing ones hands, which most people don't do, one has a choice to wipe ones hands on ones pants or partake in a brilliant invention appreciated by germ-a-phobes everywhere. But the difficult thing to understand is why you, drying cycle timer dude, decided to set the timing so that one cycle isn't enough and two cycles are too much.

The first cycle always leaves my hands moist. And yes I follow all full-color diagrams and directions. And when I need to start the 2nd cycle, if I stay the whole time my skin begins to burn; or the restroom is left with the empty sound of a hand dryer just blowin. That is a waste of energy, especially in these high price oil times. You should recalibrate your dryers. They would last longer, dry better, and use less electricity.

Frankly I'm thinking of going back to the ole' "hey look over there" (then wiping on my jeans)

Thanks a lot Hand dryer-timing-programmer-dude!

The Astros' Wives...Thank You!


I'd like to thank the wives of the Houston Astros for standing in their husbands place and allowing them 3 days rest. On May 15-18 the Astros organization crossed an unprecedented threshold once again. On the heels of their first World Series appearance, the Astros catch America's attention by sitting their players and asking the wives to fill in for their men.

The Giants of San Francisco came to town with "swollen-head" Bonds with media from across the nation in tow. Obviously there was a idea somewhere in the Astros camp that must have sounded similar to this, "Hey the stage is set with all this media around, why not be the first team to put the player's wives on the field for an entire 3 game series."

3 games straight, the Giants faced the Astros' wives on the field. And the result was obvious. The Giants scored 34 runs combined for the series. And you ladies thought no one would notice your presence at Minute Maid.

And so I'd like to give a Texas sized thank you to the Astros' wives for giving their men a rest and playing the Giants so bravely(name of NL East team not intended). I'm not sure we realize what a sacrifice that was. Thank you ladies. I look forward to more impressive things from you in the future. As for now rest up we might need you in a pennant race in October.

Are you a Waver?


During a baseball game last week, I saw one of the funniest yet addicting things happen in the crowd. The wave. It's funny because never would you see someone, or find yourself, alone in a chair then having the urge to stand up, hands up in the air and scream then sit back down again; then repeat until interest is lost. However if a crowd of one-man-wavers get together and begin propositioning for this silly maneuver, it turns into a giddy, childish, "hey look at that" happening.

As I watched a few one-man-wavers attempt to sell the rest of the watching-the-game-paying-fans on the necessity of the wave, I recognized a few simple but profound truths.

1. No matter how hard one man tries to get the wave started it takes more than one. Possibly two...four would be good...seven to ten people even better.

2. Multiple pockets of wave-starters can have a difficult time reaching their intended goal unless they are pushing the ripple in the same direction.

3. Once everyone succumbs to the few wave-starter's appeals, they love it. In fact they cheer it on as the sea of people push the ripple all the way around the now ocean-like arena, and boo the sitter-downers as if they just kicked their dog or just took the parking spot they were waiting for at Target.

4. After the wave has come around about eight times (field research shows the eigthth pass is key) the once "hey sit down I'm trying to watch the game...Ok I'll do the wave" fans, return to their previous position of sitting and being disinterested in the human ripple that once, for a fleeting five minutes, held their attention and devotion.

I think we all are either searching for a "wave" that we can start or sitting watching wave-starters desperately try to get others to buy into their wave, all the while wishing we had the guts to start one ourselves. Either way I have an encouraging word for all of us.

Dive in!

Why not? What can it hurt? Do you really think someone will look at you and say, "look at that moron, what a goofball, sit down"? Just try it next time you see the one-man-wave-starter call for your attention. He just wants everyone to have some fun. And why not attempt a wave yourself, what can you lose?

And wave-starters...we need you. Life would be nothing but a spectator sport without you. So when you feel the urge to spread the love and get others excited; please by all means stand up and shout, "Hey let's do the wave on three...ready? One...two...three...AAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

I'm feeling the desire right now...Ok that was a little silly doing the wave by myself in front of my lap top while the cleaning lady was right outside my door, but it was a start.

How about you?

High in the sky.

I was on an airplane and was thinking, (which is easy to do because you can't hear anything due to the cabin pressure and noise) what a crazy thing...Flying. There are so many crazy things about flying in a plane that are so funny to me.

Like people. Seriously, people are crazy. Needing the air nozzle shooting stale air in the right direction, window or aisle(it's very important), wanting a pillow which feels like it's made of cotton candy and when puffed up is about as thick as a CD, feeling the need to talk to the person next to you and embellishing your life's details, or the fight over who gets the arm-rest, wanting a whole can of coke not just the swallow in the clear plastic cups(that fits in the perfectly sized indent on the seat-back-tray, even though I still find a way to slide or bump off the tray onto my lap or my carry-on neatly stowed under the seat in front of me).

Plane rides are interesting. It brings out the best and worst in people. I saw a man surrender his seat to a lady who looked a little distraught, carrying her 2 year old and a car seat. I've also seen people push and shove their way through innocent line-standers to the right seat they "have to" have. I even saw a man, annoyed by the kid sitting next to him who was bravely riding by himself, ask a steward to move the kid somewhere else so the man could enjoy his ride better. People are funny!

And I love it when landing, the plane rocks to a stop and the infamous "bong" sounds and immediately everyone stands up as if in doing so they will exit sooner. Think about it. There is one door we all will need to walk through. There is one aisle which is smaller than the door. The row you are standing in (more like ducking trying not to bump your head on the overhead storage bin; which I want to sneak in and ride the whole flight, and when someone opens it up to get their bags which have shifted during flight, I would jump out and say something clever like, "are we in Kansas?" or, "did you rub my lamp?" or, "ha ha it worked".) is smaller than the aisle. I'm not sure why people act like this but it's funny to me. I admit I jump up too, but there are some people who stay seated until everyone is out. I think they know something we don't. Like the people who sit in a theater and watch the credits to see if something extra will show up.

And the bathrooms...don't get me started on the bathrooms, don't even get me started.

Next time on a plane just watch. I'm telling you it's a crazy world filled with crazy people. Put those people thousands of feet in the air and they get even crazier!

When you are eating out, do you talk about other food places?

I find it funny that when I'm eating out at a restaurant, the conversation always drifts toward discussing other eateries and what is liked and disliked about each one. You'd think that you'd want to show respect due the eating establishment where you are currently consuming products. I was wondering if this practice is applicable to all subjects and arenas of life.

For instance, when talking to a friend do people stay in the parameters of that friendship or does the topic hop to other friends. I wonder how that affects that present dialoging aquaintance. Do you find yourself talking about other movies while in a theater (theatre for you civilized readers)? Does your conversation roam to other songs while enjoying a musical number in your friend’s car? Can you really watch a game and not reminisce about games of ole' ?(I love that word. I wish I could add an apostrophe to any word and make it more special)

I think we can't give attention to our current situation because we operate in a competitively comparative community. (Alliteration...I love it!) Really...I typically blame it on my self-diagnosed ADD. It's really because I can't stop comparing. I do it. You do it. Of course I do it better than you. And you believe you are better than me but that's just being overly comparative. I am better though!

So the next time you are crunching your assumedly "free" chips and salsa; check yourself (for spillage of said tomato based appetizer) and see how comparative you are. Then listen to your cohorts and see how comedic their comparative communication comes across.

Then grade yourself accordingly:
1 pt. for you - for each comparison that you make that makes more sense then your competitor's.
2 pts. for you - for each comparison your competitor coughs up which was concocted by another contestant yet claimed by current competitor.
3 pts. for you - for each situation where you didn't create the comparison contest conversation.

If you score:
6-9 you are a normal human being and you should feel confident you aren't overly comparative. 10-15 you are very comparatively prone and you should curb your competitive predisposition. 16 or higher go get help!

Happy New Year 101

I mean I'm all about being friendly, but how long into the actual New Year do you wish others a hearty, "Happy New Year"?

I saw a friend today that I hadn't seen since Christmas. She said, "Happy New Year" and I responded with an echoing greeting referring to the said year and its newness. Then I thought, "How far into the said year of newness do you use that greeting?" It's actually a very fundamental thing for me. I'm wondering. So to cure my anxiety I have come up with the official rules for New Year's greetings.

Happy New Year is a correct greeting in the following situations:

1. When used greeting a person you see during the dates of Jan. 1st - Jan. 5th.
2. When used greeting a person you haven't seen since the new year began when the date is on or before Jan. 15th. (after the 15th it really is too late and if you haven't seen that person since the 1st then you really can't call them a friend now can you?)
3. When greeting a person you have met for the first time on or before Jan. 15th.

So to all of you I haven't met yet, "Happy New Year!"
To those whom I call friends and I haven't seen you since Jan. 1st, "Happy New Year!"

I had to say it because it's too close to the 15th and I don't want to forget.

I don't read books...

But I got in bed way past my bed time and hours past my 1.5 year old son's bed time. I grabbed my reading light, yes I have a reading light and I'm not an AARP member. It attaches to the back of your book which makes for an interesting balancing act to keep your book up-right. Also it has a 6 foot wire running to the cigarette carton-sized battery pack, which doesn't keep the flow of electricity consistently causing the light to skip between bright to dim to retinal damage to bright again. (no wonder I thought it was The Chronicles of Barney and couldn't find the silly purple blob-thingy singing songs with 2 teeth. I mean really he has one tooth on his top jaw and one on the bottom jaw...I KNOW HE DOESN'T FLOSS-LUCKY!)

I started Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller. I figured I'd begin by enjoying chapter one, fall asleep in the middle of chapter two and try a week later picking back up and then getting frustrated that I forgot where I was, then placing it in a prominent spot where people would see it and think, "Wow he reads books". But I couldn't put it down. I loved it.

It was 1:45 AM when I realized I had read the first two chapters and wasn't even blurry-eyed. So I put it down and picked up the next day. I'm not done, but it's a fun book.

I appreciate Don's style. (We had lunch once so we call each other by shortened versions of our first names...well I do; he can't figure out how to shorten Mac.) I feel as if we are sitting at a coffee house and he is talking about last week, while a couple of guys across the fence drum out an earthy beat on weathered Djembes.

You should check this book out. I hope you will experience it the way I have. Of course your reading light is probably better than mine...whatever.

And they say flossing is good for you...

On my last visit to the dentist, in a manner similar to a 2nd grade teacher explaining absolute truths like gravity, he said, "There are some people who can go their whole life not flossing their teeth and they are fine...You aren't one of those people." Imagine that.

I immediately took offense to his harsh evaluation of my oral hygiene. However as the white tonsil sucker was hissing and fighting with my tongue, and as he named and numbered each of my previous fillings; I realized this guy just might be right. I mean that plaque on the wall wasn't bad like the plaque on my teeth. That framed paper said he had proven himself worthy of a degree. Which means his opinion, most likely, is correct.

So I agreed with him. As I removed my tiny napkin, obviously designed for a smurf or something smaller than human, and received my party favor bag (feeling robbed because he didn't offer me a sucker); I promised to floss.

So I have been flossing. You can ask my wife. She should know because she's been following that rule her whole life. Well last night I was flossing my teeth when the string got caught between two teeth. As I attempted to saw it back and forth to remove it, there was a pop followed by a small UOO (Unidentified Oral Object) bouncing around and landing on my tongue. After the initial shock and wondering I discovered it was a loose filling! Yeah I know WOW!

I told Sam and she began to sway side to side holding onto the bathroom counter asking me to stop talking about it or she would faint. Right then I thought, "Hah. He told me to floss and I did and look what it got me; a hole in my tooth."

So maybe flossing isn't that great for you. Or maybe I just didn't floss consistently my whole life and that's why I had the filling in the first place. I'm calling him today to set up another appointment. I just hope I can keep myself from telling him he caused this to happen. Of course he will retort in a smarty-pants, stern-medical-sounding-tone of voice, "This wouldn't have happened if you would have flossed all along." I hate it when people are right.

Ipeed once...now Ipod!

Well I did it. I have stepped into the world of Ipod. I never thought I'd come this far. I have so many people to thank.
I'd love to thank my first radio for being there through all those tough times(Lionel...Oooo what a feeling, Huey...I'm happy to be stuck with you too, Julio...wow to all those girls you loved before). My first Walkman(Dion...I put away my idols, Petra...more Power to ya, Jon...I'm living on a prayer, Eddie...Jeremy spoke in my class too). My first car stereo, with an 8 track player(Kenny...I know when to hold 'em). My first CD player(Stevie...my sky is crying, Run..you are the king of rock, Joe...love bites dude).
Anyway I'm loving this Ipod Nano. 500 songs I mean that's a lot. seriously name 500 songs...quick...see you can't. I'm excited I just hope I don't drop it down a parking lot grate will walking out of Target.
Ipeed, Ipaid, Ipod!

I just got finished mailing my driving record and completion of a safety driving certificate. This is an annoying process. One is forced to watch 6 hours of stuff and answer the silliest questions. All becaue ,the aformentioned "One", broke some vehicle law requiring you to travel at a certain speed in a certain area.

My infringement was daring to move at a mind-blowing speed of 41...you can close your mouth now...in a 30 MPH zone. Let me defend myself please. The speed limit was 45 during my entire trip on my chosen route. Then as the road bent to the right and went downhill, it unashamedly dropped to 30. And the sign to show said limit was placed after the bend and down the ramp, causing a normal, American-loving, tax-paying, safe-driving citizen(like myself) to enter the bend over the limit. And such is my luck a troop of law-enforcment gentlemen were enjoying a beautiful evening on a curb strategically placed behind a contruction vehicle. As my vehicle,which was travelling under the posted limit during most of my trip, came around the bend one of these gentlemen found my speed to be excessive. And so I was given a one-of-a-kind, autographed slip of paper just for me.

I let you in on my situation to ask you...can you drive 30? I mean doesn't 30 feel like backing out of a driveway? The feeling of travelling 30 is like the time you jumped off the swing on the playground in 4th grade trying to go further than Bryce who happened to break the 13 foot record, untouched for 2 years.

Just wondering...how fast do you typically drive?